Back to Square One

It seems a certificate of insurance and a detailed quote are too much to ask.  Another service is coming on Tuesday morning. It's $200 for the initial visit and that goes toward to job.  I don't like that but my hands are tied.  I need this over and done with so I'm really angry that I have to start over.  Fuck people.  I realize it is no one else's fault I got myself into this situation but I really feel some people are out to prey on the desperate.  I'm sorry I was dead inside for four years.  I'm sorry there is something wrong with my brain.  That doesn't mean I will be taken advantage of.

Meanwhile the cold is significantly better so my overnight waste mitigation needs to continue tonight along with laundry.  Hopefully I don't get sleepy and tempted to curl up and sleep.  I've been sleeping nights because I've been sick the last 6 days or so and because this was getting cleaned next week.  I have to resume the old schedule. I hate this. 

Why Can't Things Be Simple?

So I still have received no Certificate of Insurance or revised quote that states the haul-away  is included.  Apparently this is asking for the Moon. It's two pieces of paper that take about ten minutes to put together.  So now I'm getting grief from my mother because these have not yet been provided and grief from the cleaning guy because no one has ever asked for this before and "the people advising you have convinced you not to trust anyone."  The irony here is that my parents closed on this property without having an inspector seeing if it was up to electrical codes and the cleaning guy, who is offended I'm asking for proof of insurance and a detailed quote, won't invoice the job because he doesn't trust a personal check not to bounce. And here I am in the middle, still sick, needing to clear out the bathroom waste and weak, exhausted, stressing about my neighbors and the tuck-pointers.  I just want this over with.    

Sick or Allergic?

Ugh! I've been sidelined by this cold or allergy outbreak or perhaps both.  I've slept the last three-four nights because I feel like absolute crap.  I think it's a cold from the windstorm last week aggravated by the dust I've been stirring up during cleaning attempts and the mold and ragweed in the outside air this week. 

Bags out - none.
Bags filled - several.
Estimate - check (going with a cleaning service that will do the whole job for $5,000)
Certificate of Insurance - forthcoming
Revised quote (that says the haul away is included in the price) - forthcoming
Lightbulbs purchased - check
Paths cleared - in progress
Cat staying elsewhere - check

I'm so tired but I can't wait to get my life back.  I really hope the tuck-pointing crew is done by then.  And I hope even more that Annie Wilkes stays away during all this. I just want my life back. 

Digging

Digging

by Seamus Heaney

Between my finger and my thumb
The squat pen rests; as snug as a gun.

Under my window a clean rasping sound
When the spade sinks into gravelly ground:
My father, digging. I look down

Till his straining rump among the flowerbeds
Bends low, comes up twenty years away
Stooping in rhythm through potato drills
Where he was digging.

The coarse boot nestled on the lug, the shaft
Against the inside knee was levered firmly.
He rooted out tall tops, buried the bright edge deep
To scatter new potatoes that we picked
Loving their cool hardness in our hands.

By God, the old man could handle a spade,
Just like his old man.

My grandfather could cut more turf in a day
Than any other man on Toner's bog.
Once I carried him milk in a bottle
Corked sloppily with paper. He straightened up
To drink it, then fell to right away
Nicking and slicing neatly, heaving sods
Over his shoulder, digging down and down
For the good turf. Digging.

The cold smell of potato mold, the squelch and slap
Of soggy peat, the curt cuts of an edge
Through living roots awaken in my head.
But I've no spade to follow men like them.

Between my finger and my thumb
The squat pen rests.
I'll dig with it.


- from Death of a Naturalist (1966)

Ugh

So I talked to the "Clutter Specialist" yesterday.  Based on a long conversation, this is approximately a $5,000 job.  I was thinking closer to ten, to be honest, but I've no idea if she's considering plumbing cost.  They also will not start with my bathroom in the condition it's in.  So...I have my work cut out for me.  Naturally, I have come down with a cold.  I thought it was allergies (and it partially might be) but it really does now feel like a cold and has already slowed me down significantly.  I just want to sleep.  I made one trip down this morning with 5 bags.  Yesterday morning I made three trips and took down eight bags, a ruined laptop backpack and a couple of boxes.  I was to make three trips this morning but I just feel too bad.  It's nearly 5:30am and people are getting up.  The sun should be rising shortly.  I think she wants to start next week but I don't know how ready I'll be.  I'm thinking the last week of September, considering I have to do the dirty work myself.

So:  I need to find the hallway floor again; clear, vacuum and clean.
       Find any cat mess and dispose of.
       Get bio waste out of the bathroom and into dumpster.
       Resume bagging anything that can be bagged.

Edit:  I think I'm going another way.  I think $2,500 down, $2,500 the first day of work and daily payments if it goes over $5,000 is unreasonable for someone that wants me to do so much of the work before she'll even start. I called another cleaning service and the guy seems less condescending and more willing to be discreet.  He also mentioned a six-room apartment with ten years of accumulation that he did for $3,500.  I'm hoping to fall in under that.  He's coming in the morning to look at the job.

Paranoia Sucks

M y original diagnoses were: 
Major (read: severe, chronic) Depression, Panic Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Later added:  Paranoid Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder.

At one point I needed two beers and a Xanax just to get out of the house and be social;  I wouldn't say I was relaxed, either.   It was a VERY small dose of Xanax on an as-needed basis.  I think each refill was only six pills or so and I think I only refilled it once.  That was 2002.

I abruptly stopped seeing my therapist about 18 months ago.  Once every eight weeks was becoming pointless as I wasn't so depressed except due to this hoarding nonsense that I was too embarrassed to tell her about.  Plus, by the time I was done with all that had happened between appointments, time was up.  Not quite worth it or necessary at that point, since I really knew what my problem was and needed to modify my behavior.  You could say that after 8 years of therapy, I had out-shrinked my shrink.  This is not to say I won't see another therapist at some point - just one that doesn't know me so well it's more like gossip than therapy. I can't do it til I have health insurance anyway.

My downstairs neighbors were away for the holiday weekend and their 18-year-old son had the place to himself til today.  He had people over til 5am each night.  (And yes I was a bitch and ran the vacuum at 7am Sunday)  I still haven't gone out the back because they were on the stairs Thursday night. I unlocked the deadbolt  and heard them running down the stairs and "sssshhhh!!!"  I was unable to do anything for nearly an hour and was lucky to get one trip in.  This set the tone for the holiday weekend though.  I HATE anxiety to my core. There is nothing more FUCKING annoying than being afraid of nothing or at the very least nothing relevant.

So: 
Thursday:  One trip, two bags
Friday:  One trip, three bags
Saturday:  One trip, one bag, one wooded cd rack
Sunday:  One trip, two bags
Monday: One trip. two bags (should be doing a second trip as I speak but wind gusts are 45mph and caused a door to slam - I also thought my neighbor jumped out of bed to chase me but this was most likely a window rattling).

I have to call back the two cleaning services this morning.  The second one called me and left two more messages.  Either he really cares or a hoarding job is such a huge profit margin he's seeing dollar signs.  I need to stop thinking that way but I wonder what mark-up I'd put on a job like this...I'm going to stop now because i don't want to give myself another anxiety attack. Tuck pointing work will be on the building front today, though the wind might cause them to cancel. I can only hope nothing smells at my windows.  I shut the bathroom window so they couldn't look in and I'll have the blinds closed where I'm sitting but I really would rather not shut the windows, especially with all the cool air blowing in here. 

I wanted a semi-clean living room and hallway before I had anyone come in.  Not going to happen, though I think if I fill bags all day today, I can stage them in the kitchen on top of what is already there and vacuum and swiffer the exposed floor. I can do the same in the hallway.  I started this on Friday but had an allergic reaction to the amount of dust I disturbed.  If I plow through though, then I can use my night trips for bio-waste from the bathroom tonight (sorry - eew - I know) so that maybe the plumber won't be quite as humiliating. I won't go into detail but it's not as bad as it could be. There are two buckets and several boxes that will be bagged and sealed and with an empty dumpster they'll get covered quickly.  If I can flush the toilet before a plumber gets here it will be a victory (and a lower bill). 

I have made progress in the living room though.  Maybe I'll post another picture of it after today. I just can't wait to have enough space to set up the wii again.  I NEED the exercise.

Slow Progress....

Sunday - 1 trip, 2 bags
Monday - 1trip, 1 bag
Tuesday - 2 trips, 3 bags
Wednesday - 1 trip, 2 bags

2 emails sent to two cleaning specialists.  One replied within ten minutes, the other within 5 - 6 hours.  Naturally I did not answer the phone.  At least the weather cooled off.  I hate this.  

http://aluratek.com/libre-ebook-reader-pro-white

Perhaps the above is a solution to my book problem.

FEAR

I am so lucky to have parents willing to help me yet I have been struggling all afternoon trying to make myself make the phone calls I need to make today. I'm just sitting here crying. Annie Wilkes was home today presumably due to the ongoing tuck-pointing project that started today. Like she needs to supervise. All I can think of is her trying to look through my back door while people are removing all the trash. Or I imagine it costing $10,000 or that the services come to give estimates and refuse to take on the job because it is too big.   That last is ridiculous because any service with experience dealing with this will have seen worse.  I have such a headache from thinking about it. And then I will have to have the water shut off at least one day for plumbing repairs. I'm not even sure how to get that permission or where to turn it off.

Last night I only managed one trip downstairs and I chickened out of using the back door - my new back door. I opened it to pour some bleach  on the concrete slab to circumvent the smell of dried cat shit or bird shit or whatever that was that had been there for years.  Annie Wilkes had moved all her plants over close to my door to keep them away from the tuck-pointing dust (she can't just bring them inside?  They are huge and she even had one of them sitting on the steps, which is an obstruction) and I lost my nerve.  In addition, I'd already made so many trips up and down all those stairs my body wasn't going to let me and the dumpsters were so full nothing else was really going to fit.

Truthfully, I hadn't been in the kitchen for at least a year and it's worse than I had recalled. I'm betting there are thirty bags in that space.  It makes me want to see how many I can get downstairs tonight but I'm also betting they are heavy.  They are piled waist high in a space roughly 4 feet by 8 feet.  Back then I used to pile as much in a bag as I could instead of limiting the heavy stuff in smaller bags and using the big bags for light stuff only.   There are so many windows in the back courtyard and the steps in back are so narrow.  I have to do this though. I have to make a path.  (I have to clean before the cleaning people can come)  I have to bring my cat to my mother's guest room because of this. I don't want her to get lost in the shuffle, plus I would die if she got scared and ran out the door. Also, if I can get rid of her box for awhile, that's one thing less to clean.  I don't know how long I can be without her though.  It breaks my heart.

Mom's Proud of Me?

I have no job and I fell behind in my condo assessments forcing the treasurer of the board to send the statement to my mother, also mentioning I had no screen on my back door (seriously - so what?).  My mother and her husband and I spent nearly six hours installing an aluminum screen door (hinges on the old wood door were painted over so many times it took an hour to get it off then the door they brought was two inched too wide and we had to take it down, return it and carry a second door up three stories on a 94 degree day).   Did I mention Annie Wilkes was trying to peek out her window half the time? Nosy bitch.

In the process of  arguing last night over why I didn't want them to come over (as they insisted) I told my mother about my problem. She'd already been looking into professional organizers for my brother (see earlier post) and has agreed (as I won't let her in here to help) to pay to fix this. I haven't got estimates yet but this isn't going to be cheap. But she's proud of me for telling her. I'm costing her potential thousands of dollars because I'm a pathetic fuck-up and she's proud of me?

So I have to do three trips tonight and I'm doing it down the back stairs. And tomorrow morning is trash pick up so tomorrow overnight I'm going to try to fill the middle dumpster.  Wrong of me I know, but what are they going to do - go through my garbage bags? If I can do that tomorrow night and Thursday night when there will be an empty dumpster perhaps I can save us a little money.  I dunno. I just dunno.

Hoarding on Oprah

http://www.oprah.com/showinfo/Inside-the-Lives-of-Hoarders-with-Peter-Walsh-Parts-1

I don't know if this is helpful or exploitative.  I can't imagine having a partner in this!  I guess everyone's situation is different.  It scares the shit out of me though that with a crew of 100 it took 8 weeks to clean this house. Granted, my apartment is less than half the size and I have far less to get rid of, but it's been 8 weeks with just me and there is very little difference.  I know with help I could knock it out in a week or less. And you know by now that I won't ask for help.  I really need to get out and walk or ride the bike during the day so the three flights of stairs don't fucking kill me every night.  I need to do the consistent three trips.  End of story.  And I need to stop talking about it and just fucking do it. I lost my job and spent nearly 4 months lying down.  I've officially never been so inactive as I am now and boy does it make the body weak.

First of all, I'm thinking this has been a problem for me for six years but it was brewing many many years longer. I never wanted to borrow, I wanted my own and I think that came from my father leaving and taking all the money.  All my clothes were handed down.  All my books were handed down (which I appreciated much more than wearing 70's clothes in the mid 80's).  My father used to buy me all the records I wanted for my birthday and Christmas but even though I wanted cassettes, he bought lp's so I couldn't take them home with me. Toys couldn't be brought home. Growing up, most kids had more stuff than I did.  I also was treated by both parents as a possession.  I wasn't allowed out a lot and lost a lot of friends that way.  My mother was simply overprotective to the point it stunted my survival skills (and she won't apologize for it either) and my father felt his "visitation" (and he got a lot more than most fathers, the abusive fuck) should not be infringed upon by my desire to have a social life. I disowned him when I was 18 and dropped his name by 22.  At 20 I got my first credit card.  I maxed it within months and my mother bailed me out. It took me a year to screw up again. Book clubs, cd clubs, vhs clubs...no one could see what I bought when I got it by mail, right?  And no one else owned them and I could take them and loan them wherever I want.

I do have a vision though, like they talk about.   I see an airy room that I love to be in.  I see open windows. I see myself enjoying myself here and making it a home.

Time Management

Distracted by crafting. ROADBLOCK! Distracted by online Scrabble. ROADBLOCK!

Hoarding on Oprah

I filled only one bag yesterday and 90 minutes ago brought down only two large yet lightweight bags downstairs. I have to do better than this. How do you learn time management? There are a million books on the subject but I've learned the hard way that reading self-help books gets you thinking instead of doing.

Happy Birthday Mr. President

You get a post of your own.

Not the only One who'd rather go Blind...

This morning: One trip, one bag, one box.
Yesterday: Two trips, five bags.

I can no longer reach the remainder of the filled bags in this room. I have to fill more bags today or I'm at a slight standstill. The purple vacuum and the kitty condo are going downstairs tonight. I decided I'll never get the smell out and I can always get another one later. This one has been lying in it's side for over a year in a room that now reeks and is not worth saving.

The plan is to get my clothing rack into the living room so my clean clothes can live in a more airy place for the moment. I got some extra-large trash bags this morning though to fill with as much of the lightweight trash as I can. That will all go down this week and should result in quite a bit of clear space with some wood floor to wash. Once that is done and some hallway items taken down, I can attack the bathroom (hopefully before the Mon-Tues 90 degree days coming up.) and make it so the smell in there isn't so strong by the time I leave for a couple days. I really should be filling bags right now while there is an amazing breeze coming in the window! It's going to stay below 90 after all today but it's going to be really humid (my lungs hurt). All this humidity is why my hallway isn't cleared out yet. It's so much easier to haul bags through it than sit in it filling bags and unearthing all the dust that comes up. Dust + heat/humidity in a vacuum is just horrid. Speaking of vacuums...I've uncovered the Dirt Devil upright I was using previous to the purple canister vac. *facepalm* That won't make it down right away. Too many items covering it. I brought down a box that had been in front of it's neck this morning. Filling my first bag of today, I came across a small box. Checking inside, as the box had recycling potential, I found an unopened package of Imitrex nasal sprays for my migraines. My copay for those was $50. They expired on 01/08/08. :-/

As for that phone interview, it was a joke. The recruiter hardly knew anything about the project for which she's recruiting. It's a $14 hourly temp job that could last up to a year. That's $29000. I was previously making $38500 but with furloughs I only made $35000 last year. She emailed me paperwork that I now have to go to a Kinkos to pay to print, fill out and fax back. *Sigh* Have they never heard of a .pdf? Still I have to do it as much as I really don't want to. I hate this economy.

So here I whine about a possible income next as I sit to my window enjoying the breeze and staring at a giant trash heap I know I could make huge progress on in the next hour.

Here We Go

So I'm up this morning waiting for a job recruiter to call me for a scheduled phone interview.

I made two overnight trips downstairs, disposing of five more bags and have to now fill some bags. I think I'll have some floor by the weekend. The sooner the better, because I need to start attacking the bedroom. The bedroom smells horrible and it's very near the front door. I can't smell it from the hallway but it is possible others do even though I fog the general area both inside and outside that door with Lysol Neutra Air Sanitizing Spray in Citrus scent. I hope I don't get lung cancer from it. It's a light scent and quite pleasant. The bedroom is really gross though and I don't know if the cat condo is worth cleaning and saving. I could try and vacuum it and see where that gets me. The piles around my bed are level with it and I cannot open my dresser drawers.

When I first moved here ten years ago that bed was the sole new purchase. All other furniture was what I've had since age 4 or purchased at garage sales. If I bleach the mattress then flip it (Sprained my back last time I tried) I think I can get away with not replacing it immediately. I NEED NEED NEED to unearth the bed and furthermore I am afraid of what might be under there. I want to open my window. I want to let air in. I want to Murphy's the floor in there. I want to sleep in my bed. Once I have half the floor clear in the living room there will be an air mattress purchase. A rattan settee is a really bad place to sleep and my back and legs are talking to me. Can I be into that room by the end of August?

I'm a bit uneasy about this phone interview. On one hand, I NEED NEED NEED a job! No matter what it pays I need one. This one is temporary. As awful as this sounds, I am maybe not ready to go back to work immediately. I think dealing with this is more important in the NOW. If, in a month or two this apartment is clean and I have clean clothes that don't smell like a trash pit am I not better off? If I have a semi-functioning bathroom am I not better off?

I almost think having no job for a couple more months would be the right trade off to save my home. Shame on me for not doing more and faster but now that I see a light at the end of a tunnel (or series of tunnels) I am inclined to charge forward.

Keep chugging...

Erg....I skipped Saturday night ad this morning's 4am trip will happen shortly. Last week I skipped three nights so I don't feel too horrible but I really need to do more than one trip each night. I think I did around 12 bags last week but I need to do more and I need to attack some of what I have unearthed. By this time next week I think I'll have some living space. I can't wait.

How depressed can an individual be? I was MEDICATED when I apparently cared so little about my surroundings that there was a 4 foot high (in some places) pile of garbage in my living room! How did I not notice? How did I not care?

Fighting the Lazies

I've made one trip down this evening and have a window of about 45 min during which I can make a second trip down. Two bags tonight so far. I'd planned on sleeping by now because I need to be awake for a phone call I'm expecting about a job. Need job need job need job. Need garbage out of my home too. I can do this.
Edit: 2 more bags down = 2 trips - 4 bags

Steamy

It's weeks like this when I really do wish I started all this in March when I should have. At that time, I said to myself, "Fine - I have time now - this apartment gets clean." Right. Well it's sticky as hell this week and it's been sticky as hell all month and I really wish I could have accomplished more, especially as it would have avoided harassment by the condo-nazis.

Last night was the first night since Friday that I brought anything down and it was because of odor. I can't understand why for a period I didn't smell it. The worst was I didn't realize I smell like this place. I got a box and two bags down and huffed and puffed all the way. Unfortunately, I also filled a rubbermaid container with things I'm keeping to get them out of my way and it is now blocking my path. There's a big box behind it too. Not my most properly thought-out move.

My goal from the beginning of this project has been to ride my bike each morning because this amount of inactivity has really taken its toll. I literally sit all day. I wish I could use the back door. At least I could get a couple more bags down through the back way. Who knows what my neighbor has piled up outside my door though. And I don't want to run into any of them. At any rate, I have to get these bags out of here to do any hardcore cleaning; I need my body in better shape to make more than two trips out each night and I need to move my body or this is going to kill me and stop ordering in to eat. It's just more to haul down and it's unhealthy.

I am getting down to gross parts of the pile in my living room. The garbage piled under that first layer of bags. Oh how did I let this happen?

Interesting pictorial...

Cheaper Than Therapy

Joe The Cop and The House on Poo Corner

It was a year after I began pissing myself randomly and just layering towels or blankets or clothes over the spot that I couldn't live with it anymore. It always made me feel awful but even though I was on an antidepressant I just didn't care. I think since I've started writing here I have not lost bladder control. I dispose of the containers and old water bottles I use regularly. It's still humiliating but at least there is an end in sight. And hopefully I can fix my toilet sooner rather than later. I just want to cry. I don't want to end up like these people. My life may be cursed but it doesn't have to be like this. Nothing's gone downstairs yet but I did get the vacuum into the living room and got rid of loads of dust today even if it was in a small area. 3am and 4am here I come.

Watched the film Frida this evening and I recommend it.

Expiration July 2008

I should have been carrying two more bags downstairs at 4:30 this morning but the rain was coming down so hard I didn't. The rain is a welcome relief from the 90+ temps. So I only made one trip tonight. 3 bags down. My goal for the next fortnight is to make three trips a night. Some trips let me take only one very heavy bag or box but most let me take two and some, like my last trip at 2:30-ish this morning, let me carry three. It looks like the rain has let up but the sun is rising so two more bags through the laundry room and out the other side of the building isn't really an option right now. I intended to fill a bag as it was raining too hard and wound up looking into a box I assumed to be filled with garbage. I'm glad I did because I found a wall hanging (one I'd actually like to keep) and a bag of wool (for spinning) and an unopened bottle of Excedrin Tension Headache. I was relieved when I found it as I had a horrible headache the other day until I saw it expired two years ago; that means I likely bought it three years ago. I surveyed the landfill that is my living room and have determined it's really a lot...no, it's no surprise but it just seems the clearing in the living room and the clearing in the hallway should be bigger by now. I know I've had a really hard time getting into the swing of things but I have to have gotten over 20 bags downstairs by now and probably more. If, for the next fortnight, I can make three trips a night that's roughly 40 more bags down and that very well could mean the hallway cleared, the living room mostly cleared and possibly the bathroom waste cleared. To be honest, if the bathroom situation wasn't what it is, I'd be much more likely to ask for some help. I can't ask anyone else to deal with it though and I'm too ashamed to describe it in any greater detail than I have done at this time. Suffice it to say I can smell it from the window I'm sitting at and even though I toss a bleach product in there daily and spray the shit out of it, it still smells like a sewer. I don't think the smell travels down the side of the building outside but I can't be sure. I noticed this past winter I could smell it when the radiators went on, which means the people below me had to smell it through theirs. It scares me not to know how it got that way or that I didn't realize it until it was too late.

I'm sleepy now but I know I'll wake up around noon - I've been having trouble sleeping eight hours in one block. The whole hiding from the neighbors thing (and let's face it, that's what I'm doing) messes with my sleep but as it is an extremely hot summer and I am not working (oh please let me find something this fall - I hate sitting at home and the longer I do, the less I want to make money for someone else) so I force myself to sleep during the hottest daylight hours. I'm not cleaning enough during the hours people are awake. I can't do too much at night - I'm really relegated to sneaking downstairs with garbage or to head to the store for drinking water and cleaning supplies (yes I have running water, it's just kind of gross as the pipes in this building are old) so I should be using the day to fill bags (even though so many need to go out) and vacuum. Today the vacuum will come over to the living room and get a pile of dirt I uncovered as well as the loads of dust in this area. These couch cushions, even though I will replace them once I'm not sleeping on them, could use a cleaning too.

My cat is happy and visits me on the couch several times daily - she stays away if I'm filling bags. I think she likes the prospect of more space though and the cool breeze of the fans. Hopefully by winter she'll have a nice queen-sized bed to lie down on (my back will be really happy too!)

I asserted myself yesterday morning. There's a pile of dirt or ash on the window sill of the stairwell and it's been there for months and the janitor has not cleaned it. I left a card by it asking who is smoking there. Condo Nazi Annie Wilkes is the only one who would have picked it up *smirk* but the dirt is still there and there is a board meeting scheduled for two weeks (I boycott them because 3/5 of the board are unstable assholes and one doesn't even reside on premises. Not sure the two events are related but I'm sure in the little private meetings after the regular meeting I am a frequent topic of discussion as the bitch is trying to get rid of me. This means nothing can smell - not even a hint of odor can be there, thus the goal for the next fortnight. Tonight I failed - I wanted to make three trips and I only managed one trip, three bags. Fail. I know the point of the meeting will really be about the stupid roofing and tuck pointing project but still...I want to be able to close the bathroom window (without making the whole apartment smell) and I want to be able to leave the living room windows open (albeit with blinds down) and if it smells like a hoarder then I can't. I would imagine no work will begin until September though. I just don't want to give these assholes any more reason to give me a hard time. They know I'm out of work and they are laying on the fines as it is.

I could use some encouragement right now and all I have is me. It is so easy to get lazy when you're used to exhaustion. Anything overwhelming begins to make you feel exhausted even when you're not quite. I should have made three trips tonight, rain be damned. I had the energy and even knew which two pairs of bags from le mountain were going down but I did nothing about it. That cannot continue to happen, no matter how tired I think I am, no matter how overwhelming it is to see it all there, no matter how many chapters I have left in whatever book I am reading (right now I'm reading over the Harry Potter series -Happy 21st Mr. Radcliffe- as I am nostalgic with the final film(s) due out in a few months and the lovely world Ms. Rowling created is a wonderful place to escape this hell I've created.)

Episkey.

Why I'm Doing This

Skokie IL Hoarder Dies

Elderly Hoarders Rescued From Under Trash Heap


I don't want to die like these people.

Too Hot and Too Much

I need to start riding my bike. It's just been so hot, but I wasn't riding it when the weather was nice. Had I taken advantage of this unemployment, I'd have been riding the bike every morning and going to the free yoga every Sunday as well as doing the month of Bikram for @29 which is an amazing deal. I should have lost 20-30 lbs by now. Instead, I get out of breath just walking a block now and the stairs nearly kill me.

I should have been making three trips downstairs each night and I'm lucky if I get down there once. It's going to get close to 100 out next week and I doubt the air fresheners I have going will be of any help if I don't keep eliminating the sources of the odor. I really was surprised the other day at what I uncovered. Also, the liquid in the tub smells. It escapes the bathroom window and blows into the front room where I currently sit. I have loads of empty gallon and half gallon jugs from bleach and water. I'm filling them with the standing liquid in the tub to at least seal it and then discarding as I can. It's gross and not optimal but it's all I've got.

Today was unbearably hot. I vacuumed the outside hallway and pledged the door and railings out there. Yum lemony. Bet there's a complaint under the door about the lemon. Too fucking bad. If she'd leave me alone I wouldn't have gotten into this situation. She won't keep me in it though. This year the apartment gets cleaned to the teeth. Once I am employed the plumbing will get fixed and in the Spring I will take back my porch.

Every time I uncover a patch of floor I'll Pledge it. Funny the hallway isn't even near clean. There is a tallboy bureau there and I could likely fill an entire bag with whatever is under/behind it.

If you see yourself going down this road, please please ask for help before it gets out of hand. Hire a cleaning lady every 8 weeks or whatever you can budget. It doesn't make you lazy; it makes you proactive. The alternative sucks. I have to have at least the bathroom and living room clean by the time the roofers and tuck-pointers come. I'm sure Annie Wilkes will have instructed them to peek inside my windows. I don't want to give them the answer she wants to hear. No I'm not being paranoid (despite suffering from intense paranoia all my life) she's really that psycho.

The Dustbowl

I cannot stop coughing. I've even been wheezing a bit this week. I decided if I am really to clean this place properly (it seems the trash just replicates itself and even the path I made in the living room has closed in, though I've added nothing to it) I have to clear the hallway first. I Lysol the shit out of it a few times a day to placate Annie Wilkes, though I'm sure my ledger statement has hundreds in fines for a smell that comes from downstairs rather than me (ok maybe it's partially from me but that doesn't explain any of the other odors other people aren't getting fined for) because she's a vindictive liar. I started filling bags and boxes (why break them down if I can reuse them?) and the dust rose and rose. I've found the floor but my lungs are upset with me. Yes, unfortunately there was cat feces under much of it from the period during which yours truly hit bottom (funny how it took losing my health insurance and weaning myself off my meds - doc will kill me for not telling her - to get me to get proactive). I'm not proud of it but she has a clean box now and was never unhappy or unhealthy, though I wept many tears promising her better than what she was getting.

Anyway, I've had a canister vac (a pretty purple one) with a HEPA filter that was an impulse purchase by my stepfather a few years ago. My mother didn't like the suction and was going to make him take it back but a few months later they picked me up for breakfast and brought me the vacuum (which replaced the Dirt Devil upright, another hand-me-down from them; the Dirt Devil replaced an ancient upright hand-me-down stepdad gave me when I was 20). I digress. The point is, I've been trying to unearth this canister vac for a few days now and have been unsuccessful. Finally, the other day I found the cord and the hard tube. The hose took more searching and I finally found it yesterday under the kitty condo that lays on its side in the bedroom doorway. I thought I'd dislodged it but it was stuck under the bed somehow and I couldn't figure out under what. I pulled a bit and it came out, but the part that snaps onto the hard tube was broken and there was this unraveled plastic coil at the end of the hose. The vac still ran but the suction wasn't great. I thought of ordering a new hose (which I still may do and donate the thing if it still works) but I knew I couldn't get one last night and I NEEDED to get a vac in here before the next heat wave. Man, vacuum cleaners are really expensive! And the prices I found ranged from $15 to $800. Ugh! The $15 ones are the Walmart ones and of far lesser quality and would need to be replaced in 6 months (that's how Walmart keeps you poor and desperate, people!). I found that Lowe's has a tool on their website that helps you shop their selection based on your needs. It narrowed me down to two models; a $129 and a nearly $400. The pricier one was out and the less expensive canister vac was out of stock in every store in the city and suburbs here. I noticed a bug though. There was a featured sale item that didn't show up in the searches that was highly rated for pet hair, allergens and bare floors. It was an upright (I'd really rather have a canister because of the longer hose). It was also in stock at a store less than an hour away. Both the upright and the out-of-stock canister vac had positive ratings from Lowe's customers, although the canister vac had only one review and that review read like an ad. I checked them both on Consumer Reports and the canister vac had never even been tested and the brand name was listed as having a frequent need for repairs. The upright was rated 68/100 (No model rated higher than 73) and had good comments from testers AND consumers, so I bought the Bissell and although I would love a longer hose, I am happy so far. It has a five year mfgr warranty which is good because I plan to give it a year's use in the next several weeks.

I also plan to invest in some paper masks because as I filled the box the vacuum came in plus two garbage bags this afternoon, my nose ran, my eyes watered, the (smart) cat hid, I coughed and sneezed and now I blog, even though there is so much more to do. Oh I can't wait to break out the Murphy's Oil Soap. And I must do so with expediency as tomorrow will be 92 out and the following day 94 *cry*. I so desperately want to spend the next several days at the parents' house in the a/c. There was a portable a/c unit at Lowe's I covet but it's $300. I have a window unit but I have always been nervous regarding window units and after I almost dropped it, I gave up on it. Perhaps once I clear out the bedroom I'll Craigslist it. That portable a/c unit isn't going to happen though. Amazon has some less expensive ones but I have no room yet and I won't be able to afford it till next month...although if it continues to be this hot, perhaps late fees on the monthly condo-from-hell assessment might be worth it. Having it overnighted is a tempting notion at the moment.

I hate being poor. I hate having to depend on hand outs from my mother. I apply for jobs, I try to clean a little, I play the MMO (too much) and I wait for my "allowance." Tonight, however, will be an allnighter (as I've been slacking and falling asleep around 2am without bringing anything down) because it smells in my hallway now that I've uncovered what I have and I'm sure it will seep out under the door once the temps start climbing again.

:-(

Oh yeah...I found another pair of shoes....

Dust and shoes?

So in my attempt to find the floor of my front hallway, I have unearthed three really cute pairs of shoes I forgot I had. YAY! Unfortunately, this has also brought up loads of dust and old clothing one or both cats had defecated on. Ugh. Not only does it smell but I am coughing and sneezing from the dust and my neck is itching. Tomorrow during the day I vacuum and wash the floor with Murphy's. No less than three bags must go down tonight.I hate this.

Stifling Heat; Everyone Smells It

Great. I'm getting fined now by Annie Wilkes. I can't smell it in the fucking hallway but I sure can smell her cigarette smoke. It's too hot to move but I desperately have to do something now. I hate that I was too depressed last week to do a thing. The weather was so much cooler and I could have done so much more. I hate waiting til after midnight. I'm so exhausted. I can't do the building vs me. I hate feeling so alone but there's no one to let in anyway. I hope washing the walls with Clorox wipes (the biodegradable ones) will at least make her leave me alone. She's trying to ruin me.

Here's a good link: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=545210

It's a house cleaner who specializes in squalor recovery.

Off Track - Again and Again and Again....

How easily I get overwhelmed...how easily I lose focus. This is why I never made it as an actor. No confidence - no focus...that and I was never pretty enough anyway. What a waste of talent.

Memorial Day happened and as it was a 90 degree weekend and the parents were out of town, I spent it out at their place in the air conditioning. Weekend started out great - I had a rare Friday night out with friends and heard some great music. Next day I get a call from my brother, who got drunk and crashed into a light pole. Ive already been avoiding him because I only ever hear from him when they want a sitter and they seem to think it's some sort of privilege for me to sit in their filthy house and watch the three-year-old they can't be bothered to potty-train put a plastic bag over her head because one of them left it on the floor. So naturally two days after I help my brother secure a temporary vehicle I get a call to sit. I told him not until they clean their house so now the complaint is that I never visit. Well when the fuck do they ever ask me over except when they want a free sitter? Please.

The conditions in which they live have angered me for some time. They went from having to spray any toy or book you brought over there to thinking it's acceptable to have garbage lying around and a giant shit stain on the living room floor, crusty food all over the place etc. When I first decided not to go over there anymore I cleaned my car completely just so I wouldn't be a damn hypocrite. The car wasn't enough though - I don't have them over here for a big, big reason. And taking a break just for that weekend sidetracked me.

I spent the next week being depressed and angry with my brother and didn't do much. Finally the last two weeks I got back on track and not only cleared a small path to the living room windows (where I sit now on a settee in the breeze) but got at least a dozen more bags and/or boxes downstairs. My cat loves it. I am now living in this corner though instead of the spot by the radiator where I lived for four months previous. It still smells though not as bad. Unfortunately, sitting by this window, I can smell the bathroom if the wind is right. I may or may not have gotten used to it. Regardless, it has to be handled, and that is not what I am doing at the moment.

I spent another 90 degree weekend at the parents house and it wasn't so great to be there because of how depressed I've been this last month. My mother also picked a fight with me Sunday morning. It seems every time I open my mouth she perceives it as an argument. I got back here Monday afternoon and have pretty much spent the week crying. Today, in particular is just a really bad day. I'm suicidal for all intents and purposes. I couldn't take my life, not to worry. I'm sure I'd fuck it up somehow and get found in here and then everyone would know my viciously filthy secret. But I also couldn't let my mother come in to clear this place out and find it this way. The plumbing bill is going to be hard enough to explain if and when I have the courage to get someone up here.

Despite having cleared a path, my living room still looks like a landfill. I don't remember how or when it got this way. It just is. And I need a room. At least one usable, full room by the end of this month. I need to be able to exercise with the wii and not have to look at a 5 foot high pile of trash, some in bags and some not. This all weighs me down as much as my fat body. I'm tired of looking at it. I've been out of work nearly 5 months now and there is no reason I should not have cleaned this place - used the time I've been given. There is no reason I should be in worse physical shape than I already was. No reason. While I'd rather bee working, time is a gift and what have I done? Slept a lot, cried, spent loads of time on the internet and watched Harry Potter films over and over and over. A by product of depressive/avoidance disorder is the ease in which I can lose myself in a fantasy far too easily. A big part of what's hit me this week is the release of the Potter 7 trailers. Voldemort: "Why do you live?" Potter: "Because I have something worth living for." It's hit me that right now I have nothing to live for but World of Warcraft and Harry Potter. What a loser. And unless I find something worth living for, my life is coming to an end. Not like this. It changes now.

The Collections

It's funny to refer to my crap as "collections" as I never really intended to "collect" any of it like we did baseball cards when we were kids.

The Books: Books and book clubs are such dangerous traps for me. I LOVE books and I LOVE the look of a row of bookshelves against a wall. I don't know if it equates class to me that a person reads or if it's just a window into somebody's soul when you can see what they are reading/have read. I generally prefer the books to films too, as the voices, the emotion, the tone comes as much from my own mind as that of each author. Subsets?

---Play anthologies: I was a theatre major and I LOVED my anthologies and hardcovers. Even back in college, I needed to own a copy - checking it out from the library was always the less palatable option. I wanted my own copy to read over and over. Hello McFly! Plays are to be performed, not read! When I have a proper path (and not until I do) I will box them all up and bring them to the old theatre department for the students' use. They are of no use to me and a constant reminder that while I had the talent, I never had the kind of drive needed for that life.

---Self-Help: Yes, I was going to to self-treat the depression; fix it myself! It was just a matter of finding the right book to tell me how! Please. I have more books on Anxiety, Depression, Clutter, DIETING, OCD.... There are a lot of self-help books out there and many are in my apartment. Some have been great tools for me and others may be the right thing for somebody else. What I have learned about self-help is this: If you don't act on a problem and simply read about it and ponder, you soon will have a bigger problem. I bought loads of these too - it was easier to have them sent to me anon than to have a librarian (who couldn't give a rat's ass what I'm reading) judge me for checking out a book on depression (must be crazy). Oh yeah - books on clutter prevention ARE CLUTTER! They all basically say the same thing: the trick is you have to GET RID of stuff! I'm not saying that many books in the self-help category aren't helpful or don't have good information. What I am saying is I got so caught up in finding the right solution without using any of the techniques I was reading about that I just made bigger problems and I am certain I'm not the only one that has fallen into such a trap.

---Books about Faith: I'm not telling you which one because this blog is not about religion and I'm not out to convert anyone or to have others try to convert me. That said, one of the things all the religions have in common is a plethora of books and trinkets claiming to have all the answers. They don't. Be sparing. The "stuff" falls into two categories - tools and souveneirs. Faith is within - it doesn't come from any object.

---Crafts: You're never going to make every project. Having a hobby is one thing, but my only advice here is not to buy a book full of 50 projects when you only really want to make one. Check it out of the library.

---Classics: I'm one to read books over and over but I'm also the keeper of books I've not read in fifteen years. A library or a used book store could make much better use of them and yet they sit here sucking the oxygen from my living space.

The Films: I have VHS oh yes I do! Rather have my own copy than rent it, I did! Luckily, back in the day, I realized the studio apartment I lived in at the time was not going to be large enough to hold a movie collection and I stopped buying them. DVD's were starting to come out too, and even though they took up less space, they were more expensive, so I really only have a few. Netflix pretty much saved me there. I'm not saying I'll never buy one - I just don't need to have them all save for the few I watch over and over.

The Music: Not really an MP3 girl, so the music stays. I don't buy as much of it though and I have the discs in books to save space - no jewel cases allowed (might get one for dvd's too though a smaller one).  Any cassette tapes have to go though - I'm sure most are warped and I've nothing to play them on even if I wanted to (besides the fact that the sound quality is poor compared to cd and lp).  That brings me to the vinyl collection.  I've decided to wait until I've cleared space for the stereo to be running again before I make a decision to keep or sell the vinyl.  I always had more vinyl than cassettes, even though the latter were all the rage in the 80's because my parents were split up and my father considered anything we had at his house to be his property.  He knew I loved my rock stars so he bought me lots of pop music - on vinyl so I couldn't take it home with me.  Even though he gave it to me it was still his, after all.  I digress.  I'll have to see how the turn table works once I unbury it.

Craft Supplies: Crafting is an addiction and I plan to use my dining room as a craft room when I am able, but I still have to sift through the things that are usable and not.  When I was learning to knit and crochet I bought loads of cheap acrylic yarn that I will never make anything out of because I have become a yarn snob.  However, I will not allow myself to buy any new yarn for any new project until I deplete my stash by going through the contents and deciding what is still usable.  Some will be thrown out, the acrylic stuff will be donated to a daycare or something for making those lovely macaroni necklaces kids bring home to mommy and then I'll use what I can.  A friend is in the process of opening a resale shop so maybe I can get her to take some handcrafted accessories on consignment - it's just a thought.  I also have loads of quilting supplies;  a hoop and fabric up the wazoo.  I never learned to quilt and I doubt I ever will.  I also have a couple years worth of quilting mags.  I'll have to wash all the fabric (the cat sleeps on it) and what is still usable after that will be donated to charity.  There are plenty of groups that quilt for the troops or for nursing homes that would be glad to have all that fabric.  I only wish I'd never spent all that money but at least now I know that fabric and craft stores are places I have to be VERY careful of.  I literally need to make a list and get ONLY what I need for a current project, not future ones that would be really cool to make at a later date.

Exercise Stuff: Jeez I have three scales, none of which work, a body bar, a rower ($10 at a garage sale!), an exercise bike my former neighbors left in the hallway, the perfect push-up, a couple yoga mats I'll likely uncover at some point and the plethora of videos, mostly VHS, of every exercise program that was going to be just the thing to make me fit and healthy.  Oh and a Wii Fit system that was given to me as a gift by my mother, who thinks it will be just the thing to make me fit and healthy (notice a pattern here?). That stupid bike is going away once I can get the thing down the stairs - I never should have brought it in - the building management would have eventually disposed of it.  It's got to weigh 70lbs and it's one of those big old ones.  It works fine - I may just put it on Craig's List saying if you come get it it's yours.  I'm really wary of doing it but it's one way to get rid of it.  I'd like to just push it out on the porch but the building fines for that.   The rower was something I used to use and would like to start again.  It is compact and would fit in a closet if I had a closet - or in a corner or under the table - point being, I can put it out of the way when not in use.

Coffee Cups and glasses:  Do I really need an entire cabinet full of this stuff?  'Nuff said.

Ugh I have so much work ahead of me and i don't really have a closer for this post except to say I had to fight for it this morning - I so didn't want to get up this morning but I did.

So what do you accumulate?  Does it own you or do you own it?  Discuss.

4 days down, 5 bags of trash out of here. 

One Door Closes; Another Opens

So I had a revelation the other day - I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before, but I guess it goes to show that a high IQ isn't everything. 

I suppose I should start at the beginning but I unfortunately don't quite know where that is.  Suffice it to say I have a problem going out the back porch.  For some reason I always (in my apartment-living history) have had a hesitation about the back door.  Maybe this has something to do with the fact that the back door to my former apartment was flimsy enough wood I could have kicked a hole through it if I'd really wanted to.  I remember waking up one night to a loud noise that shook the floor; scared the crap out of me.  The following morning, there was a note outside my front door from the woman that lived downstairs saying someone had tried to break in to her apartment through the back door.  He'd been able to push in the door but she'd heard it in time to be able to throw her weight against the door and keep him out.

My current apartment (which I own) has a lovely back porch.  It's good sized and I share it with only one person.  When I first moved in here, I often left the back door open while doing whatever in the kitchen.  An old Persian couple lived next door and they were a delight to talk to, albeit hard to understand (wife had no teeth).  The building was once a rental property and had just been partially rehabbed and flipped into condos (never buy a partial rehab - we were all fooled by the housing boom).  Anyway, these people had bought a unit on a lower floor so in a few months I had the porch to myself while the unit adjacent to mine was getting worked on.  I took the garbage out regularly.  I was not afraid of anyone looking through it or judging me for walking it down (wtf right?).  The following spring Annie Wilkes moved in. For awhile it was ok but then she appeared on the porch "Hi Neighbor" every time I was out there. I was on the Association Board of Directors at the time an she seemed to feel that this made me her personal complaint department about work the developer didn't do to her satisfaction (the Board eventually called her brother, the actual owner of her unit, to intervene).  I stopped going out there and trash bags began to pile up in the kitchen.  Fast forward several years and I can tell you I have not been in the kitchen this year at all.  I can't find my bed. My bathroom is unusable.  I get an occasional knock on the door or a note saying I need to clean the litter box.  Oh, if the bitch only knew!  I don't remember how it got this way, it is just as though it suddenly is. I don't like it; I don't want this.

The whole situation makes me feel really helpless and overwhelmed.   I lost my job recently and I know this situation contributed to that event. I used to come home so exhausted I couldn't even think about doing something about my living conditions.  I'm rather rested now and had been beating myself up the last few weeks for continuing to live in these conditions.  It's not like I don't have the fucking time on my hands to DO SOMETHING about it!  So...I thought about the back door, listening day and night for "Annie's" comings and goings with no success.  Because I can't take out the garbage with her home, as stupid as that sounds.  It's funny, I had a scheme going for awhile that I would set the alarm on my cell phone for midnight every night to take down four bags until it was all gone.  Well, there's the back door thing again.  I can't go out the back door at night.

We are in our first heat wave of the year here. I have no air conditioning so it's pretty unbearable here and I think the clutter just makes it worse.  To be honest, I think it's even why my internet connection is so unstable. The other morning I awoke with a headache and with the window fan making a lot of noise.  I nearly injured myself getting to it.  I have to buy a new one, but not until there is a proper path. That particular morning was the morning after my birthday.  I'd realized I'm a year younger than I thought (did I mention a high IQ clearly is not everything?) and I decided to make this year count as though it is a gift; I have been given an extra year.  Here is where the epiphany comes in:

I keep odd hours since being unemployed.  I play an MMO a lot, especially after spamming my resume to any open position I am qualified to fill.  Often I play late into the night and go out to grab coffee and breakfast and a smoke (it's just a phase and I won't do it in the house - it also needs to stop with some expediency).  No one is up at 4am except for one light on at the other side of the building.  If I'm going out there anyway, why am I not bringing a bag of trash down?  I'll admit, the inactivity of the last couple months has worn me down physically and I've wanted to get into a yoga class (like I can afford that).  So the last three mornings I have filled and brought down a garbage bag - out the front door. How the hell had I not thought of that before?  I get garbage outside, I go for a walk, I get coffee and am back in before "Annie" is even awake. This morning I did two bags (which luckily didn't start leaking until I was outside) and even cleaned part of a wall. It's so stupid it feels like genius to me. Granted I will eventually be employed again but I plan to go to bed early so I'm up at 4 and can continue this routine if need be.  I physically can do only one trip at the moment, especially when it's this hot but I'm at least taking some kind of control back.  I felt like a genius when it occurred to me that if I do laundry at 2am it can equal three trips to the dumpster.  I am so stupid sometimes I amaze myself. This will take a long time.  At least now it's getting done.   4 bags down...

Hoarding Defined Simply

hoard

(hôrd, hōrd) n. A hidden fund or supply stored for future use; a cache. v. hoard·ed, hoard·ing, hoards v. intr. To gather or accumulate a hoard. v. tr. To accumulate a hoard of. To keep hidden or private. [Middle English hord, from Old English; see (s)keu- in Indo-European roots.] hoard'er n.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
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Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.