Fighting the Lazies

I've made one trip down this evening and have a window of about 45 min during which I can make a second trip down. Two bags tonight so far. I'd planned on sleeping by now because I need to be awake for a phone call I'm expecting about a job. Need job need job need job. Need garbage out of my home too. I can do this.
Edit: 2 more bags down = 2 trips - 4 bags

Steamy

It's weeks like this when I really do wish I started all this in March when I should have. At that time, I said to myself, "Fine - I have time now - this apartment gets clean." Right. Well it's sticky as hell this week and it's been sticky as hell all month and I really wish I could have accomplished more, especially as it would have avoided harassment by the condo-nazis.

Last night was the first night since Friday that I brought anything down and it was because of odor. I can't understand why for a period I didn't smell it. The worst was I didn't realize I smell like this place. I got a box and two bags down and huffed and puffed all the way. Unfortunately, I also filled a rubbermaid container with things I'm keeping to get them out of my way and it is now blocking my path. There's a big box behind it too. Not my most properly thought-out move.

My goal from the beginning of this project has been to ride my bike each morning because this amount of inactivity has really taken its toll. I literally sit all day. I wish I could use the back door. At least I could get a couple more bags down through the back way. Who knows what my neighbor has piled up outside my door though. And I don't want to run into any of them. At any rate, I have to get these bags out of here to do any hardcore cleaning; I need my body in better shape to make more than two trips out each night and I need to move my body or this is going to kill me and stop ordering in to eat. It's just more to haul down and it's unhealthy.

I am getting down to gross parts of the pile in my living room. The garbage piled under that first layer of bags. Oh how did I let this happen?

Interesting pictorial...

Cheaper Than Therapy

Joe The Cop and The House on Poo Corner

It was a year after I began pissing myself randomly and just layering towels or blankets or clothes over the spot that I couldn't live with it anymore. It always made me feel awful but even though I was on an antidepressant I just didn't care. I think since I've started writing here I have not lost bladder control. I dispose of the containers and old water bottles I use regularly. It's still humiliating but at least there is an end in sight. And hopefully I can fix my toilet sooner rather than later. I just want to cry. I don't want to end up like these people. My life may be cursed but it doesn't have to be like this. Nothing's gone downstairs yet but I did get the vacuum into the living room and got rid of loads of dust today even if it was in a small area. 3am and 4am here I come.

Watched the film Frida this evening and I recommend it.

Expiration July 2008

I should have been carrying two more bags downstairs at 4:30 this morning but the rain was coming down so hard I didn't. The rain is a welcome relief from the 90+ temps. So I only made one trip tonight. 3 bags down. My goal for the next fortnight is to make three trips a night. Some trips let me take only one very heavy bag or box but most let me take two and some, like my last trip at 2:30-ish this morning, let me carry three. It looks like the rain has let up but the sun is rising so two more bags through the laundry room and out the other side of the building isn't really an option right now. I intended to fill a bag as it was raining too hard and wound up looking into a box I assumed to be filled with garbage. I'm glad I did because I found a wall hanging (one I'd actually like to keep) and a bag of wool (for spinning) and an unopened bottle of Excedrin Tension Headache. I was relieved when I found it as I had a horrible headache the other day until I saw it expired two years ago; that means I likely bought it three years ago. I surveyed the landfill that is my living room and have determined it's really a lot...no, it's no surprise but it just seems the clearing in the living room and the clearing in the hallway should be bigger by now. I know I've had a really hard time getting into the swing of things but I have to have gotten over 20 bags downstairs by now and probably more. If, for the next fortnight, I can make three trips a night that's roughly 40 more bags down and that very well could mean the hallway cleared, the living room mostly cleared and possibly the bathroom waste cleared. To be honest, if the bathroom situation wasn't what it is, I'd be much more likely to ask for some help. I can't ask anyone else to deal with it though and I'm too ashamed to describe it in any greater detail than I have done at this time. Suffice it to say I can smell it from the window I'm sitting at and even though I toss a bleach product in there daily and spray the shit out of it, it still smells like a sewer. I don't think the smell travels down the side of the building outside but I can't be sure. I noticed this past winter I could smell it when the radiators went on, which means the people below me had to smell it through theirs. It scares me not to know how it got that way or that I didn't realize it until it was too late.

I'm sleepy now but I know I'll wake up around noon - I've been having trouble sleeping eight hours in one block. The whole hiding from the neighbors thing (and let's face it, that's what I'm doing) messes with my sleep but as it is an extremely hot summer and I am not working (oh please let me find something this fall - I hate sitting at home and the longer I do, the less I want to make money for someone else) so I force myself to sleep during the hottest daylight hours. I'm not cleaning enough during the hours people are awake. I can't do too much at night - I'm really relegated to sneaking downstairs with garbage or to head to the store for drinking water and cleaning supplies (yes I have running water, it's just kind of gross as the pipes in this building are old) so I should be using the day to fill bags (even though so many need to go out) and vacuum. Today the vacuum will come over to the living room and get a pile of dirt I uncovered as well as the loads of dust in this area. These couch cushions, even though I will replace them once I'm not sleeping on them, could use a cleaning too.

My cat is happy and visits me on the couch several times daily - she stays away if I'm filling bags. I think she likes the prospect of more space though and the cool breeze of the fans. Hopefully by winter she'll have a nice queen-sized bed to lie down on (my back will be really happy too!)

I asserted myself yesterday morning. There's a pile of dirt or ash on the window sill of the stairwell and it's been there for months and the janitor has not cleaned it. I left a card by it asking who is smoking there. Condo Nazi Annie Wilkes is the only one who would have picked it up *smirk* but the dirt is still there and there is a board meeting scheduled for two weeks (I boycott them because 3/5 of the board are unstable assholes and one doesn't even reside on premises. Not sure the two events are related but I'm sure in the little private meetings after the regular meeting I am a frequent topic of discussion as the bitch is trying to get rid of me. This means nothing can smell - not even a hint of odor can be there, thus the goal for the next fortnight. Tonight I failed - I wanted to make three trips and I only managed one trip, three bags. Fail. I know the point of the meeting will really be about the stupid roofing and tuck pointing project but still...I want to be able to close the bathroom window (without making the whole apartment smell) and I want to be able to leave the living room windows open (albeit with blinds down) and if it smells like a hoarder then I can't. I would imagine no work will begin until September though. I just don't want to give these assholes any more reason to give me a hard time. They know I'm out of work and they are laying on the fines as it is.

I could use some encouragement right now and all I have is me. It is so easy to get lazy when you're used to exhaustion. Anything overwhelming begins to make you feel exhausted even when you're not quite. I should have made three trips tonight, rain be damned. I had the energy and even knew which two pairs of bags from le mountain were going down but I did nothing about it. That cannot continue to happen, no matter how tired I think I am, no matter how overwhelming it is to see it all there, no matter how many chapters I have left in whatever book I am reading (right now I'm reading over the Harry Potter series -Happy 21st Mr. Radcliffe- as I am nostalgic with the final film(s) due out in a few months and the lovely world Ms. Rowling created is a wonderful place to escape this hell I've created.)

Episkey.

Why I'm Doing This

Skokie IL Hoarder Dies

Elderly Hoarders Rescued From Under Trash Heap


I don't want to die like these people.

Too Hot and Too Much

I need to start riding my bike. It's just been so hot, but I wasn't riding it when the weather was nice. Had I taken advantage of this unemployment, I'd have been riding the bike every morning and going to the free yoga every Sunday as well as doing the month of Bikram for @29 which is an amazing deal. I should have lost 20-30 lbs by now. Instead, I get out of breath just walking a block now and the stairs nearly kill me.

I should have been making three trips downstairs each night and I'm lucky if I get down there once. It's going to get close to 100 out next week and I doubt the air fresheners I have going will be of any help if I don't keep eliminating the sources of the odor. I really was surprised the other day at what I uncovered. Also, the liquid in the tub smells. It escapes the bathroom window and blows into the front room where I currently sit. I have loads of empty gallon and half gallon jugs from bleach and water. I'm filling them with the standing liquid in the tub to at least seal it and then discarding as I can. It's gross and not optimal but it's all I've got.

Today was unbearably hot. I vacuumed the outside hallway and pledged the door and railings out there. Yum lemony. Bet there's a complaint under the door about the lemon. Too fucking bad. If she'd leave me alone I wouldn't have gotten into this situation. She won't keep me in it though. This year the apartment gets cleaned to the teeth. Once I am employed the plumbing will get fixed and in the Spring I will take back my porch.

Every time I uncover a patch of floor I'll Pledge it. Funny the hallway isn't even near clean. There is a tallboy bureau there and I could likely fill an entire bag with whatever is under/behind it.

If you see yourself going down this road, please please ask for help before it gets out of hand. Hire a cleaning lady every 8 weeks or whatever you can budget. It doesn't make you lazy; it makes you proactive. The alternative sucks. I have to have at least the bathroom and living room clean by the time the roofers and tuck-pointers come. I'm sure Annie Wilkes will have instructed them to peek inside my windows. I don't want to give them the answer she wants to hear. No I'm not being paranoid (despite suffering from intense paranoia all my life) she's really that psycho.

The Dustbowl

I cannot stop coughing. I've even been wheezing a bit this week. I decided if I am really to clean this place properly (it seems the trash just replicates itself and even the path I made in the living room has closed in, though I've added nothing to it) I have to clear the hallway first. I Lysol the shit out of it a few times a day to placate Annie Wilkes, though I'm sure my ledger statement has hundreds in fines for a smell that comes from downstairs rather than me (ok maybe it's partially from me but that doesn't explain any of the other odors other people aren't getting fined for) because she's a vindictive liar. I started filling bags and boxes (why break them down if I can reuse them?) and the dust rose and rose. I've found the floor but my lungs are upset with me. Yes, unfortunately there was cat feces under much of it from the period during which yours truly hit bottom (funny how it took losing my health insurance and weaning myself off my meds - doc will kill me for not telling her - to get me to get proactive). I'm not proud of it but she has a clean box now and was never unhappy or unhealthy, though I wept many tears promising her better than what she was getting.

Anyway, I've had a canister vac (a pretty purple one) with a HEPA filter that was an impulse purchase by my stepfather a few years ago. My mother didn't like the suction and was going to make him take it back but a few months later they picked me up for breakfast and brought me the vacuum (which replaced the Dirt Devil upright, another hand-me-down from them; the Dirt Devil replaced an ancient upright hand-me-down stepdad gave me when I was 20). I digress. The point is, I've been trying to unearth this canister vac for a few days now and have been unsuccessful. Finally, the other day I found the cord and the hard tube. The hose took more searching and I finally found it yesterday under the kitty condo that lays on its side in the bedroom doorway. I thought I'd dislodged it but it was stuck under the bed somehow and I couldn't figure out under what. I pulled a bit and it came out, but the part that snaps onto the hard tube was broken and there was this unraveled plastic coil at the end of the hose. The vac still ran but the suction wasn't great. I thought of ordering a new hose (which I still may do and donate the thing if it still works) but I knew I couldn't get one last night and I NEEDED to get a vac in here before the next heat wave. Man, vacuum cleaners are really expensive! And the prices I found ranged from $15 to $800. Ugh! The $15 ones are the Walmart ones and of far lesser quality and would need to be replaced in 6 months (that's how Walmart keeps you poor and desperate, people!). I found that Lowe's has a tool on their website that helps you shop their selection based on your needs. It narrowed me down to two models; a $129 and a nearly $400. The pricier one was out and the less expensive canister vac was out of stock in every store in the city and suburbs here. I noticed a bug though. There was a featured sale item that didn't show up in the searches that was highly rated for pet hair, allergens and bare floors. It was an upright (I'd really rather have a canister because of the longer hose). It was also in stock at a store less than an hour away. Both the upright and the out-of-stock canister vac had positive ratings from Lowe's customers, although the canister vac had only one review and that review read like an ad. I checked them both on Consumer Reports and the canister vac had never even been tested and the brand name was listed as having a frequent need for repairs. The upright was rated 68/100 (No model rated higher than 73) and had good comments from testers AND consumers, so I bought the Bissell and although I would love a longer hose, I am happy so far. It has a five year mfgr warranty which is good because I plan to give it a year's use in the next several weeks.

I also plan to invest in some paper masks because as I filled the box the vacuum came in plus two garbage bags this afternoon, my nose ran, my eyes watered, the (smart) cat hid, I coughed and sneezed and now I blog, even though there is so much more to do. Oh I can't wait to break out the Murphy's Oil Soap. And I must do so with expediency as tomorrow will be 92 out and the following day 94 *cry*. I so desperately want to spend the next several days at the parents' house in the a/c. There was a portable a/c unit at Lowe's I covet but it's $300. I have a window unit but I have always been nervous regarding window units and after I almost dropped it, I gave up on it. Perhaps once I clear out the bedroom I'll Craigslist it. That portable a/c unit isn't going to happen though. Amazon has some less expensive ones but I have no room yet and I won't be able to afford it till next month...although if it continues to be this hot, perhaps late fees on the monthly condo-from-hell assessment might be worth it. Having it overnighted is a tempting notion at the moment.

I hate being poor. I hate having to depend on hand outs from my mother. I apply for jobs, I try to clean a little, I play the MMO (too much) and I wait for my "allowance." Tonight, however, will be an allnighter (as I've been slacking and falling asleep around 2am without bringing anything down) because it smells in my hallway now that I've uncovered what I have and I'm sure it will seep out under the door once the temps start climbing again.

:-(

Oh yeah...I found another pair of shoes....

Dust and shoes?

So in my attempt to find the floor of my front hallway, I have unearthed three really cute pairs of shoes I forgot I had. YAY! Unfortunately, this has also brought up loads of dust and old clothing one or both cats had defecated on. Ugh. Not only does it smell but I am coughing and sneezing from the dust and my neck is itching. Tomorrow during the day I vacuum and wash the floor with Murphy's. No less than three bags must go down tonight.I hate this.

Stifling Heat; Everyone Smells It

Great. I'm getting fined now by Annie Wilkes. I can't smell it in the fucking hallway but I sure can smell her cigarette smoke. It's too hot to move but I desperately have to do something now. I hate that I was too depressed last week to do a thing. The weather was so much cooler and I could have done so much more. I hate waiting til after midnight. I'm so exhausted. I can't do the building vs me. I hate feeling so alone but there's no one to let in anyway. I hope washing the walls with Clorox wipes (the biodegradable ones) will at least make her leave me alone. She's trying to ruin me.

Here's a good link: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=545210

It's a house cleaner who specializes in squalor recovery.

Off Track - Again and Again and Again....

How easily I get overwhelmed...how easily I lose focus. This is why I never made it as an actor. No confidence - no focus...that and I was never pretty enough anyway. What a waste of talent.

Memorial Day happened and as it was a 90 degree weekend and the parents were out of town, I spent it out at their place in the air conditioning. Weekend started out great - I had a rare Friday night out with friends and heard some great music. Next day I get a call from my brother, who got drunk and crashed into a light pole. Ive already been avoiding him because I only ever hear from him when they want a sitter and they seem to think it's some sort of privilege for me to sit in their filthy house and watch the three-year-old they can't be bothered to potty-train put a plastic bag over her head because one of them left it on the floor. So naturally two days after I help my brother secure a temporary vehicle I get a call to sit. I told him not until they clean their house so now the complaint is that I never visit. Well when the fuck do they ever ask me over except when they want a free sitter? Please.

The conditions in which they live have angered me for some time. They went from having to spray any toy or book you brought over there to thinking it's acceptable to have garbage lying around and a giant shit stain on the living room floor, crusty food all over the place etc. When I first decided not to go over there anymore I cleaned my car completely just so I wouldn't be a damn hypocrite. The car wasn't enough though - I don't have them over here for a big, big reason. And taking a break just for that weekend sidetracked me.

I spent the next week being depressed and angry with my brother and didn't do much. Finally the last two weeks I got back on track and not only cleared a small path to the living room windows (where I sit now on a settee in the breeze) but got at least a dozen more bags and/or boxes downstairs. My cat loves it. I am now living in this corner though instead of the spot by the radiator where I lived for four months previous. It still smells though not as bad. Unfortunately, sitting by this window, I can smell the bathroom if the wind is right. I may or may not have gotten used to it. Regardless, it has to be handled, and that is not what I am doing at the moment.

I spent another 90 degree weekend at the parents house and it wasn't so great to be there because of how depressed I've been this last month. My mother also picked a fight with me Sunday morning. It seems every time I open my mouth she perceives it as an argument. I got back here Monday afternoon and have pretty much spent the week crying. Today, in particular is just a really bad day. I'm suicidal for all intents and purposes. I couldn't take my life, not to worry. I'm sure I'd fuck it up somehow and get found in here and then everyone would know my viciously filthy secret. But I also couldn't let my mother come in to clear this place out and find it this way. The plumbing bill is going to be hard enough to explain if and when I have the courage to get someone up here.

Despite having cleared a path, my living room still looks like a landfill. I don't remember how or when it got this way. It just is. And I need a room. At least one usable, full room by the end of this month. I need to be able to exercise with the wii and not have to look at a 5 foot high pile of trash, some in bags and some not. This all weighs me down as much as my fat body. I'm tired of looking at it. I've been out of work nearly 5 months now and there is no reason I should not have cleaned this place - used the time I've been given. There is no reason I should be in worse physical shape than I already was. No reason. While I'd rather bee working, time is a gift and what have I done? Slept a lot, cried, spent loads of time on the internet and watched Harry Potter films over and over and over. A by product of depressive/avoidance disorder is the ease in which I can lose myself in a fantasy far too easily. A big part of what's hit me this week is the release of the Potter 7 trailers. Voldemort: "Why do you live?" Potter: "Because I have something worth living for." It's hit me that right now I have nothing to live for but World of Warcraft and Harry Potter. What a loser. And unless I find something worth living for, my life is coming to an end. Not like this. It changes now.