I am so lucky to have parents willing to help me yet I have been struggling all afternoon trying to make myself make the phone calls I need to make today. I'm just sitting here crying. Annie Wilkes was home today presumably due to the ongoing tuck-pointing project that started today. Like she needs to supervise. All I can think of is her trying to look through my back door while people are removing all the trash. Or I imagine it costing $10,000 or that the services come to give estimates and refuse to take on the job because it is too big. That last is ridiculous because any service with experience dealing with this will have seen worse. I have such a headache from thinking about it. And then I will have to have the water shut off at least one day for plumbing repairs. I'm not even sure how to get that permission or where to turn it off.
Last night I only managed one trip downstairs and I chickened out of using the back door - my new back door. I opened it to pour some bleach on the concrete slab to circumvent the smell of dried cat shit or bird shit or whatever that was that had been there for years. Annie Wilkes had moved all her plants over close to my door to keep them away from the tuck-pointing dust (she can't just bring them inside? They are huge and she even had one of them sitting on the steps, which is an obstruction) and I lost my nerve. In addition, I'd already made so many trips up and down all those stairs my body wasn't going to let me and the dumpsters were so full nothing else was really going to fit.
Truthfully, I hadn't been in the kitchen for at least a year and it's worse than I had recalled. I'm betting there are thirty bags in that space. It makes me want to see how many I can get downstairs tonight but I'm also betting they are heavy. They are piled waist high in a space roughly 4 feet by 8 feet. Back then I used to pile as much in a bag as I could instead of limiting the heavy stuff in smaller bags and using the big bags for light stuff only. There are so many windows in the back courtyard and the steps in back are so narrow. I have to do this though. I have to make a path. (I have to clean before the cleaning people can come) I have to bring my cat to my mother's guest room because of this. I don't want her to get lost in the shuffle, plus I would die if she got scared and ran out the door. Also, if I can get rid of her box for awhile, that's one thing less to clean. I don't know how long I can be without her though. It breaks my heart.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Mom's Proud of Me?
I have no job and I fell behind in my condo assessments forcing the treasurer of the board to send the statement to my mother, also mentioning I had no screen on my back door (seriously - so what?). My mother and her husband and I spent nearly six hours installing an aluminum screen door (hinges on the old wood door were painted over so many times it took an hour to get it off then the door they brought was two inched too wide and we had to take it down, return it and carry a second door up three stories on a 94 degree day). Did I mention Annie Wilkes was trying to peek out her window half the time? Nosy bitch.
In the process of arguing last night over why I didn't want them to come over (as they insisted) I told my mother about my problem. She'd already been looking into professional organizers for my brother (see earlier post) and has agreed (as I won't let her in here to help) to pay to fix this. I haven't got estimates yet but this isn't going to be cheap. But she's proud of me for telling her. I'm costing her potential thousands of dollars because I'm a pathetic fuck-up and she's proud of me?
So I have to do three trips tonight and I'm doing it down the back stairs. And tomorrow morning is trash pick up so tomorrow overnight I'm going to try to fill the middle dumpster. Wrong of me I know, but what are they going to do - go through my garbage bags? If I can do that tomorrow night and Thursday night when there will be an empty dumpster perhaps I can save us a little money. I dunno. I just dunno.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Hoarding on Oprah
http://www.oprah.com/showinfo/Inside-the-Lives-of-Hoarders-with-Peter-Walsh-Parts-1
I don't know if this is helpful or exploitative. I can't imagine having a partner in this! I guess everyone's situation is different. It scares the shit out of me though that with a crew of 100 it took 8 weeks to clean this house. Granted, my apartment is less than half the size and I have far less to get rid of, but it's been 8 weeks with just me and there is very little difference. I know with help I could knock it out in a week or less. And you know by now that I won't ask for help. I really need to get out and walk or ride the bike during the day so the three flights of stairs don't fucking kill me every night. I need to do the consistent three trips. End of story. And I need to stop talking about it and just fucking do it. I lost my job and spent nearly 4 months lying down. I've officially never been so inactive as I am now and boy does it make the body weak.
First of all, I'm thinking this has been a problem for me for six years but it was brewing many many years longer. I never wanted to borrow, I wanted my own and I think that came from my father leaving and taking all the money. All my clothes were handed down. All my books were handed down (which I appreciated much more than wearing 70's clothes in the mid 80's). My father used to buy me all the records I wanted for my birthday and Christmas but even though I wanted cassettes, he bought lp's so I couldn't take them home with me. Toys couldn't be brought home. Growing up, most kids had more stuff than I did. I also was treated by both parents as a possession. I wasn't allowed out a lot and lost a lot of friends that way. My mother was simply overprotective to the point it stunted my survival skills (and she won't apologize for it either) and my father felt his "visitation" (and he got a lot more than most fathers, the abusive fuck) should not be infringed upon by my desire to have a social life. I disowned him when I was 18 and dropped his name by 22. At 20 I got my first credit card. I maxed it within months and my mother bailed me out. It took me a year to screw up again. Book clubs, cd clubs, vhs clubs...no one could see what I bought when I got it by mail, right? And no one else owned them and I could take them and loan them wherever I want.
I do have a vision though, like they talk about. I see an airy room that I love to be in. I see open windows. I see myself enjoying myself here and making it a home.
I don't know if this is helpful or exploitative. I can't imagine having a partner in this! I guess everyone's situation is different. It scares the shit out of me though that with a crew of 100 it took 8 weeks to clean this house. Granted, my apartment is less than half the size and I have far less to get rid of, but it's been 8 weeks with just me and there is very little difference. I know with help I could knock it out in a week or less. And you know by now that I won't ask for help. I really need to get out and walk or ride the bike during the day so the three flights of stairs don't fucking kill me every night. I need to do the consistent three trips. End of story. And I need to stop talking about it and just fucking do it. I lost my job and spent nearly 4 months lying down. I've officially never been so inactive as I am now and boy does it make the body weak.
First of all, I'm thinking this has been a problem for me for six years but it was brewing many many years longer. I never wanted to borrow, I wanted my own and I think that came from my father leaving and taking all the money. All my clothes were handed down. All my books were handed down (which I appreciated much more than wearing 70's clothes in the mid 80's). My father used to buy me all the records I wanted for my birthday and Christmas but even though I wanted cassettes, he bought lp's so I couldn't take them home with me. Toys couldn't be brought home. Growing up, most kids had more stuff than I did. I also was treated by both parents as a possession. I wasn't allowed out a lot and lost a lot of friends that way. My mother was simply overprotective to the point it stunted my survival skills (and she won't apologize for it either) and my father felt his "visitation" (and he got a lot more than most fathers, the abusive fuck) should not be infringed upon by my desire to have a social life. I disowned him when I was 18 and dropped his name by 22. At 20 I got my first credit card. I maxed it within months and my mother bailed me out. It took me a year to screw up again. Book clubs, cd clubs, vhs clubs...no one could see what I bought when I got it by mail, right? And no one else owned them and I could take them and loan them wherever I want.
I do have a vision though, like they talk about. I see an airy room that I love to be in. I see open windows. I see myself enjoying myself here and making it a home.
Time Management
Distracted by crafting. ROADBLOCK! Distracted by online Scrabble. ROADBLOCK!
Hoarding on Oprah
I filled only one bag yesterday and 90 minutes ago brought down only two large yet lightweight bags downstairs. I have to do better than this. How do you learn time management? There are a million books on the subject but I've learned the hard way that reading self-help books gets you thinking instead of doing.
Hoarding on Oprah
I filled only one bag yesterday and 90 minutes ago brought down only two large yet lightweight bags downstairs. I have to do better than this. How do you learn time management? There are a million books on the subject but I've learned the hard way that reading self-help books gets you thinking instead of doing.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Not the only One who'd rather go Blind...
This morning: One trip, one bag, one box.
Yesterday: Two trips, five bags.
I can no longer reach the remainder of the filled bags in this room. I have to fill more bags today or I'm at a slight standstill. The purple vacuum and the kitty condo are going downstairs tonight. I decided I'll never get the smell out and I can always get another one later. This one has been lying in it's side for over a year in a room that now reeks and is not worth saving.
The plan is to get my clothing rack into the living room so my clean clothes can live in a more airy place for the moment. I got some extra-large trash bags this morning though to fill with as much of the lightweight trash as I can. That will all go down this week and should result in quite a bit of clear space with some wood floor to wash. Once that is done and some hallway items taken down, I can attack the bathroom (hopefully before the Mon-Tues 90 degree days coming up.) and make it so the smell in there isn't so strong by the time I leave for a couple days. I really should be filling bags right now while there is an amazing breeze coming in the window! It's going to stay below 90 after all today but it's going to be really humid (my lungs hurt). All this humidity is why my hallway isn't cleared out yet. It's so much easier to haul bags through it than sit in it filling bags and unearthing all the dust that comes up. Dust + heat/humidity in a vacuum is just horrid. Speaking of vacuums...I've uncovered the Dirt Devil upright I was using previous to the purple canister vac. *facepalm* That won't make it down right away. Too many items covering it. I brought down a box that had been in front of it's neck this morning. Filling my first bag of today, I came across a small box. Checking inside, as the box had recycling potential, I found an unopened package of Imitrex nasal sprays for my migraines. My copay for those was $50. They expired on 01/08/08. :-/
As for that phone interview, it was a joke. The recruiter hardly knew anything about the project for which she's recruiting. It's a $14 hourly temp job that could last up to a year. That's $29000. I was previously making $38500 but with furloughs I only made $35000 last year. She emailed me paperwork that I now have to go to a Kinkos to pay to print, fill out and fax back. *Sigh* Have they never heard of a .pdf? Still I have to do it as much as I really don't want to. I hate this economy.
So here I whine about a possible income next as I sit to my window enjoying the breeze and staring at a giant trash heap I know I could make huge progress on in the next hour.
Yesterday: Two trips, five bags.
I can no longer reach the remainder of the filled bags in this room. I have to fill more bags today or I'm at a slight standstill. The purple vacuum and the kitty condo are going downstairs tonight. I decided I'll never get the smell out and I can always get another one later. This one has been lying in it's side for over a year in a room that now reeks and is not worth saving.
The plan is to get my clothing rack into the living room so my clean clothes can live in a more airy place for the moment. I got some extra-large trash bags this morning though to fill with as much of the lightweight trash as I can. That will all go down this week and should result in quite a bit of clear space with some wood floor to wash. Once that is done and some hallway items taken down, I can attack the bathroom (hopefully before the Mon-Tues 90 degree days coming up.) and make it so the smell in there isn't so strong by the time I leave for a couple days. I really should be filling bags right now while there is an amazing breeze coming in the window! It's going to stay below 90 after all today but it's going to be really humid (my lungs hurt). All this humidity is why my hallway isn't cleared out yet. It's so much easier to haul bags through it than sit in it filling bags and unearthing all the dust that comes up. Dust + heat/humidity in a vacuum is just horrid. Speaking of vacuums...I've uncovered the Dirt Devil upright I was using previous to the purple canister vac. *facepalm* That won't make it down right away. Too many items covering it. I brought down a box that had been in front of it's neck this morning. Filling my first bag of today, I came across a small box. Checking inside, as the box had recycling potential, I found an unopened package of Imitrex nasal sprays for my migraines. My copay for those was $50. They expired on 01/08/08. :-/
As for that phone interview, it was a joke. The recruiter hardly knew anything about the project for which she's recruiting. It's a $14 hourly temp job that could last up to a year. That's $29000. I was previously making $38500 but with furloughs I only made $35000 last year. She emailed me paperwork that I now have to go to a Kinkos to pay to print, fill out and fax back. *Sigh* Have they never heard of a .pdf? Still I have to do it as much as I really don't want to. I hate this economy.
So here I whine about a possible income next as I sit to my window enjoying the breeze and staring at a giant trash heap I know I could make huge progress on in the next hour.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Here We Go
So I'm up this morning waiting for a job recruiter to call me for a scheduled phone interview.
I made two overnight trips downstairs, disposing of five more bags and have to now fill some bags. I think I'll have some floor by the weekend. The sooner the better, because I need to start attacking the bedroom. The bedroom smells horrible and it's very near the front door. I can't smell it from the hallway but it is possible others do even though I fog the general area both inside and outside that door with Lysol Neutra Air Sanitizing Spray in Citrus scent. I hope I don't get lung cancer from it. It's a light scent and quite pleasant. The bedroom is really gross though and I don't know if the cat condo is worth cleaning and saving. I could try and vacuum it and see where that gets me. The piles around my bed are level with it and I cannot open my dresser drawers.
When I first moved here ten years ago that bed was the sole new purchase. All other furniture was what I've had since age 4 or purchased at garage sales. If I bleach the mattress then flip it (Sprained my back last time I tried) I think I can get away with not replacing it immediately. I NEED NEED NEED to unearth the bed and furthermore I am afraid of what might be under there. I want to open my window. I want to let air in. I want to Murphy's the floor in there. I want to sleep in my bed. Once I have half the floor clear in the living room there will be an air mattress purchase. A rattan settee is a really bad place to sleep and my back and legs are talking to me. Can I be into that room by the end of August?
I'm a bit uneasy about this phone interview. On one hand, I NEED NEED NEED a job! No matter what it pays I need one. This one is temporary. As awful as this sounds, I am maybe not ready to go back to work immediately. I think dealing with this is more important in the NOW. If, in a month or two this apartment is clean and I have clean clothes that don't smell like a trash pit am I not better off? If I have a semi-functioning bathroom am I not better off?
I almost think having no job for a couple more months would be the right trade off to save my home. Shame on me for not doing more and faster but now that I see a light at the end of a tunnel (or series of tunnels) I am inclined to charge forward.
I made two overnight trips downstairs, disposing of five more bags and have to now fill some bags. I think I'll have some floor by the weekend. The sooner the better, because I need to start attacking the bedroom. The bedroom smells horrible and it's very near the front door. I can't smell it from the hallway but it is possible others do even though I fog the general area both inside and outside that door with Lysol Neutra Air Sanitizing Spray in Citrus scent. I hope I don't get lung cancer from it. It's a light scent and quite pleasant. The bedroom is really gross though and I don't know if the cat condo is worth cleaning and saving. I could try and vacuum it and see where that gets me. The piles around my bed are level with it and I cannot open my dresser drawers.
When I first moved here ten years ago that bed was the sole new purchase. All other furniture was what I've had since age 4 or purchased at garage sales. If I bleach the mattress then flip it (Sprained my back last time I tried) I think I can get away with not replacing it immediately. I NEED NEED NEED to unearth the bed and furthermore I am afraid of what might be under there. I want to open my window. I want to let air in. I want to Murphy's the floor in there. I want to sleep in my bed. Once I have half the floor clear in the living room there will be an air mattress purchase. A rattan settee is a really bad place to sleep and my back and legs are talking to me. Can I be into that room by the end of August?
I'm a bit uneasy about this phone interview. On one hand, I NEED NEED NEED a job! No matter what it pays I need one. This one is temporary. As awful as this sounds, I am maybe not ready to go back to work immediately. I think dealing with this is more important in the NOW. If, in a month or two this apartment is clean and I have clean clothes that don't smell like a trash pit am I not better off? If I have a semi-functioning bathroom am I not better off?
I almost think having no job for a couple more months would be the right trade off to save my home. Shame on me for not doing more and faster but now that I see a light at the end of a tunnel (or series of tunnels) I am inclined to charge forward.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Keep chugging...
Erg....I skipped Saturday night ad this morning's 4am trip will happen shortly. Last week I skipped three nights so I don't feel too horrible but I really need to do more than one trip each night. I think I did around 12 bags last week but I need to do more and I need to attack some of what I have unearthed. By this time next week I think I'll have some living space. I can't wait.
How depressed can an individual be? I was MEDICATED when I apparently cared so little about my surroundings that there was a 4 foot high (in some places) pile of garbage in my living room! How did I not notice? How did I not care?
How depressed can an individual be? I was MEDICATED when I apparently cared so little about my surroundings that there was a 4 foot high (in some places) pile of garbage in my living room! How did I not notice? How did I not care?
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