Paranoia Sucks

M y original diagnoses were: 
Major (read: severe, chronic) Depression, Panic Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Later added:  Paranoid Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder.

At one point I needed two beers and a Xanax just to get out of the house and be social;  I wouldn't say I was relaxed, either.   It was a VERY small dose of Xanax on an as-needed basis.  I think each refill was only six pills or so and I think I only refilled it once.  That was 2002.

I abruptly stopped seeing my therapist about 18 months ago.  Once every eight weeks was becoming pointless as I wasn't so depressed except due to this hoarding nonsense that I was too embarrassed to tell her about.  Plus, by the time I was done with all that had happened between appointments, time was up.  Not quite worth it or necessary at that point, since I really knew what my problem was and needed to modify my behavior.  You could say that after 8 years of therapy, I had out-shrinked my shrink.  This is not to say I won't see another therapist at some point - just one that doesn't know me so well it's more like gossip than therapy. I can't do it til I have health insurance anyway.

My downstairs neighbors were away for the holiday weekend and their 18-year-old son had the place to himself til today.  He had people over til 5am each night.  (And yes I was a bitch and ran the vacuum at 7am Sunday)  I still haven't gone out the back because they were on the stairs Thursday night. I unlocked the deadbolt  and heard them running down the stairs and "sssshhhh!!!"  I was unable to do anything for nearly an hour and was lucky to get one trip in.  This set the tone for the holiday weekend though.  I HATE anxiety to my core. There is nothing more FUCKING annoying than being afraid of nothing or at the very least nothing relevant.

So: 
Thursday:  One trip, two bags
Friday:  One trip, three bags
Saturday:  One trip, one bag, one wooded cd rack
Sunday:  One trip, two bags
Monday: One trip. two bags (should be doing a second trip as I speak but wind gusts are 45mph and caused a door to slam - I also thought my neighbor jumped out of bed to chase me but this was most likely a window rattling).

I have to call back the two cleaning services this morning.  The second one called me and left two more messages.  Either he really cares or a hoarding job is such a huge profit margin he's seeing dollar signs.  I need to stop thinking that way but I wonder what mark-up I'd put on a job like this...I'm going to stop now because i don't want to give myself another anxiety attack. Tuck pointing work will be on the building front today, though the wind might cause them to cancel. I can only hope nothing smells at my windows.  I shut the bathroom window so they couldn't look in and I'll have the blinds closed where I'm sitting but I really would rather not shut the windows, especially with all the cool air blowing in here. 

I wanted a semi-clean living room and hallway before I had anyone come in.  Not going to happen, though I think if I fill bags all day today, I can stage them in the kitchen on top of what is already there and vacuum and swiffer the exposed floor. I can do the same in the hallway.  I started this on Friday but had an allergic reaction to the amount of dust I disturbed.  If I plow through though, then I can use my night trips for bio-waste from the bathroom tonight (sorry - eew - I know) so that maybe the plumber won't be quite as humiliating. I won't go into detail but it's not as bad as it could be. There are two buckets and several boxes that will be bagged and sealed and with an empty dumpster they'll get covered quickly.  If I can flush the toilet before a plumber gets here it will be a victory (and a lower bill). 

I have made progress in the living room though.  Maybe I'll post another picture of it after today. I just can't wait to have enough space to set up the wii again.  I NEED the exercise.