How easily I get overwhelmed...how easily I lose focus. This is why I never made it as an actor. No confidence - no focus...that and I was never pretty enough anyway. What a waste of talent.
Memorial Day happened and as it was a 90 degree weekend and the parents were out of town, I spent it out at their place in the air conditioning. Weekend started out great - I had a rare Friday night out with friends and heard some great music. Next day I get a call from my brother, who got drunk and crashed into a light pole. Ive already been avoiding him because I only ever hear from him when they want a sitter and they seem to think it's some sort of privilege for me to sit in their filthy house and watch the three-year-old they can't be bothered to potty-train put a plastic bag over her head because one of them left it on the floor. So naturally two days after I help my brother secure a temporary vehicle I get a call to sit. I told him not until they clean their house so now the complaint is that I never visit. Well when the fuck do they ever ask me over except when they want a free sitter? Please.
The conditions in which they live have angered me for some time. They went from having to spray any toy or book you brought over there to thinking it's acceptable to have garbage lying around and a giant shit stain on the living room floor, crusty food all over the place etc. When I first decided not to go over there anymore I cleaned my car completely just so I wouldn't be a damn hypocrite. The car wasn't enough though - I don't have them over here for a big, big reason. And taking a break just for that weekend sidetracked me.
I spent the next week being depressed and angry with my brother and didn't do much. Finally the last two weeks I got back on track and not only cleared a small path to the living room windows (where I sit now on a settee in the breeze) but got at least a dozen more bags and/or boxes downstairs. My cat loves it. I am now living in this corner though instead of the spot by the radiator where I lived for four months previous. It still smells though not as bad. Unfortunately, sitting by this window, I can smell the bathroom if the wind is right. I may or may not have gotten used to it. Regardless, it has to be handled, and that is not what I am doing at the moment.
I spent another 90 degree weekend at the parents house and it wasn't so great to be there because of how depressed I've been this last month. My mother also picked a fight with me Sunday morning. It seems every time I open my mouth she perceives it as an argument. I got back here Monday afternoon and have pretty much spent the week crying. Today, in particular is just a really bad day. I'm suicidal for all intents and purposes. I couldn't take my life, not to worry. I'm sure I'd fuck it up somehow and get found in here and then everyone would know my viciously filthy secret. But I also couldn't let my mother come in to clear this place out and find it this way. The plumbing bill is going to be hard enough to explain if and when I have the courage to get someone up here.
Despite having cleared a path, my living room still looks like a landfill. I don't remember how or when it got this way. It just is. And I need a room. At least one usable, full room by the end of this month. I need to be able to exercise with the wii and not have to look at a 5 foot high pile of trash, some in bags and some not. This all weighs me down as much as my fat body. I'm tired of looking at it. I've been out of work nearly 5 months now and there is no reason I should not have cleaned this place - used the time I've been given. There is no reason I should be in worse physical shape than I already was. No reason. While I'd rather bee working, time is a gift and what have I done? Slept a lot, cried, spent loads of time on the internet and watched Harry Potter films over and over and over. A by product of depressive/avoidance disorder is the ease in which I can lose myself in a fantasy far too easily. A big part of what's hit me this week is the release of the Potter 7 trailers. Voldemort: "Why do you live?" Potter: "Because I have something worth living for." It's hit me that right now I have nothing to live for but World of Warcraft and Harry Potter. What a loser. And unless I find something worth living for, my life is coming to an end. Not like this. It changes now.
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