So I had a revelation the other day - I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before, but I guess it goes to show that a high IQ isn't everything.
I suppose I should start at the beginning but I unfortunately don't quite know where that is. Suffice it to say I have a problem going out the back porch. For some reason I always (in my apartment-living history) have had a hesitation about the back door. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that the back door to my former apartment was flimsy enough wood I could have kicked a hole through it if I'd really wanted to. I remember waking up one night to a loud noise that shook the floor; scared the crap out of me. The following morning, there was a note outside my front door from the woman that lived downstairs saying someone had tried to break in to her apartment through the back door. He'd been able to push in the door but she'd heard it in time to be able to throw her weight against the door and keep him out.
My current apartment (which I own) has a lovely back porch. It's good sized and I share it with only one person. When I first moved in here, I often left the back door open while doing whatever in the kitchen. An old Persian couple lived next door and they were a delight to talk to, albeit hard to understand (wife had no teeth). The building was once a rental property and had just been partially rehabbed and flipped into condos (never buy a partial rehab - we were all fooled by the housing boom). Anyway, these people had bought a unit on a lower floor so in a few months I had the porch to myself while the unit adjacent to mine was getting worked on. I took the garbage out regularly. I was not afraid of anyone looking through it or judging me for walking it down (wtf right?). The following spring Annie Wilkes moved in. For awhile it was ok but then she appeared on the porch "Hi Neighbor" every time I was out there. I was on the Association Board of Directors at the time an she seemed to feel that this made me her personal complaint department about work the developer didn't do to her satisfaction (the Board eventually called her brother, the actual owner of her unit, to intervene). I stopped going out there and trash bags began to pile up in the kitchen. Fast forward several years and I can tell you I have not been in the kitchen this year at all. I can't find my bed. My bathroom is unusable. I get an occasional knock on the door or a note saying I need to clean the litter box. Oh, if the bitch only knew! I don't remember how it got this way, it is just as though it suddenly is. I don't like it; I don't want this.
The whole situation makes me feel really helpless and overwhelmed. I lost my job recently and I know this situation contributed to that event. I used to come home so exhausted I couldn't even think about doing something about my living conditions. I'm rather rested now and had been beating myself up the last few weeks for continuing to live in these conditions. It's not like I don't have the fucking time on my hands to DO SOMETHING about it! So...I thought about the back door, listening day and night for "Annie's" comings and goings with no success. Because I can't take out the garbage with her home, as stupid as that sounds. It's funny, I had a scheme going for awhile that I would set the alarm on my cell phone for midnight every night to take down four bags until it was all gone. Well, there's the back door thing again. I can't go out the back door at night.
We are in our first heat wave of the year here. I have no air conditioning so it's pretty unbearable here and I think the clutter just makes it worse. To be honest, I think it's even why my internet connection is so unstable. The other morning I awoke with a headache and with the window fan making a lot of noise. I nearly injured myself getting to it. I have to buy a new one, but not until there is a proper path. That particular morning was the morning after my birthday. I'd realized I'm a year younger than I thought (did I mention a high IQ clearly is not everything?) and I decided to make this year count as though it is a gift; I have been given an extra year. Here is where the epiphany comes in:
I keep odd hours since being unemployed. I play an MMO a lot, especially after spamming my resume to any open position I am qualified to fill. Often I play late into the night and go out to grab coffee and breakfast and a smoke (it's just a phase and I won't do it in the house - it also needs to stop with some expediency). No one is up at 4am except for one light on at the other side of the building. If I'm going out there anyway, why am I not bringing a bag of trash down? I'll admit, the inactivity of the last couple months has worn me down physically and I've wanted to get into a yoga class (like I can afford that). So the last three mornings I have filled and brought down a garbage bag - out the front door. How the hell had I not thought of that before? I get garbage outside, I go for a walk, I get coffee and am back in before "Annie" is even awake. This morning I did two bags (which luckily didn't start leaking until I was outside) and even cleaned part of a wall. It's so stupid it feels like genius to me. Granted I will eventually be employed again but I plan to go to bed early so I'm up at 4 and can continue this routine if need be. I physically can do only one trip at the moment, especially when it's this hot but I'm at least taking some kind of control back. I felt like a genius when it occurred to me that if I do laundry at 2am it can equal three trips to the dumpster. I am so stupid sometimes I amaze myself. This will take a long time. At least now it's getting done. 4 bags down...
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